During my last site redesign, I got too bored to write a bio for the Chris section. So I turned the task of self-investigation over to my beautiful weblog readers, who sent me their questions and I answered every single one, no matter how embarassing.
Jen asks:
Oscar Wilde or Paul Verlaine?
Oh God, definitely Oscar Wilde. He's easily one of my favorite writers.
New Order or Joy Division?
It's mean to make me choose, but ultimately, New Order. I appreciate apocalyptic bleakness as much as the next guy -- and I looooove Joy Division -- but in the end my abiding love for the Pop Single as an institution forces me to swear allegiance to New Order. I mean, come on! "Temptation," "Blue Monday," "Bizarre Love Triangle," "True Faith," "Regret"... they're unstoppable!
Richard Avedon or Annie Leibovitz?
I'm not a photography expert by any means, but I lean towards Annie Leibowitz.
John asks:
You happen to be very very tall, and yet one of your favorite artists, Kylie Minogue, is very very tiny. Exactly how many Kylies makes one Chris? My guess is three: Chris is as tall as exactly three Kylie Minogues. Am I close?
Funny thing about the math here -- I'm actually equivalent to a tiny fraction of Kylie, since as a physical form she may be diminutive but as a concept she's a massive unstoppable juggernaut of greatness. So in fact, one Chris is equivalent to only .09 Kg (Kyliegrams). Little known fact.
Mo asks:
If you could choose one book and one film for inmates of the worst prisons in America to endure at least twice a week as part of the punishment for the atrocious crimes they have committed, what would they be and why?
The book's easy -- that'd be THE VOYEUR by Alain Robbe-Grillet, the most unnecessarily complicated and unsatisfying novel I've ever read. ("The new novel" my ass -- it was new, all right, but there's a reason nobody's written a novel like that before). As for the movie, I don't know. There are so many God-awful films out there; so maybe JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK. On second thought, maybe we should put Kevin Smith in prison for making that.
If you could choose any musical artist to be rocketed into space in order to deflect the impending meteorite from hitting the Earth, ultimately leading to their destruction, who would it be and why?
Well, obviously I'd pray that there's more than one meteorite, but if it's just got to be one, then it'd be R. Kelly, Staind, Five For Fighting, or Creed. I'd play cowboy-bear-ninja with my friends to decide which of those four goes up in the end, though.
Jack asks:
Kid A or OK Computer?
Kid A, actually. I wouldn't have expected to give that answer a year and a half ago, but it's true now.
Top or bottom?
Let me make it clear right now that I'm not using this site to trawl the Internet for guys to have sex with. I'm only answering this question because Jack asked. In any event, I have enjoyed bottoming, but I don't believe in dividing sex along roles. It should be a shared equal balance. So the obvious, and seemingly cowardly, answer is "neither."
Describe your most embarassing crush.
It's on a very very straight friend. Don't worry, I'm over it.
Describe your most significant personal achievement from the years 1997-1999.
Jesus, good question. Honestly, I don't know. I'm mainly proud of the self-determination I did during that time -- that was 9th-11th grade for me, an insecure time in a lot of people's lives and I feel I weathered it with a lot of confidence and built some very healthy self-respect. I can tell you that the best thing I did for myself in that time was buy U2's Pop, but that's not really an achievement per se... don't really know how to answer that question, I guess. I don't have anything I can hold up from that time and say "See? I did good" other than my own self. I acted in some plays, but really, they were just OK...
What artist in any medium would you be most willing to make Art Love to? It helps if they're really fucking ugly.
Bono. I'm not even remotely attracted to him physically (well, if he looked the way he did in 1997, maybe) but everything about his performance, approach to his art, etc. is massively appealling to me.
Fiona asks:
What songs would be on the soundtrack of your life?
Hoo boy. These aren't really picked for specific lyrical content or specific self-historical reference, though I'm sure some of them are here for one or both of those reasons; they just sound the way my life feels for me. Or I just really love them. If you try to follow a narrative here you'll get lost, since it's probably based on my own subconscious wishful thinking. So:
- Prince - "Let's Go Crazy"
- U2 - "Discotheque"
- Gavin Friday - "Caruso"
- Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - "I Love Rock & Roll"
- Robbie Williams - "Let Me Entertain You"
- Simon & Garfunkel - "Keep The Customer Satisfied"
- Depeche Mode - "When The Body Speaks"
- Passengers - "Your Blue Room"
- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - "Into My Arms"
- Kylie Minogue - "Your Disco Needs You"
- Weezer - "The Good Life"
- New Order - "Regret"
- Underworld - "Cowgirl"
- Lamb - "Gorecki"
Five books that have influenced you. And yes, comic books definitely count.
God, where to begin. I started reading Gary Larson's THE FAR SIDE collections when I was something like four years old, so that almost certainly warped me and my sense of humor to a considerable degree. Salman Rushdie's THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET remains the ultimate narrative to which I think my life aspires, bizarrely enough, despite all the tragedy and heartbreak it contains. Warren Ellis' TRANSMETROPOLITAN comics influenced my writing style profoundly, for better or for worse. Grant Morrison's THE INVISIBLES is probably the other ultimate narrative to which I think my life aspires, despite all the patently insane stuff it contains. It's also my favorite work in comics and is a piece with a complexity I envy, for I know I'll never be able to accomplish anything like it. And now that comics have made up more than half of this list, I'd love to try to regain my prose credentials, but if I'm gonna be truly honest, then Bill Flanagan's U2 AT THE END OF THE WORLD is in this top five -- not great lit, I know, but it was easily one of the best books about music I've ever read, and it convinced me of a great number of things.
Describe your life for the past year. Make it sound like a piece of spam. Bonus points if you manage to work in "enlarge your penis!"
CHRISTOPHER - Do you have BAD CREDIT? (Yes, you do). Well then tough luck because your summer job at Old Navy isn't going to pay you enough to PAY THOSE BILLS XJHQ, especially with your nasty CD habit.
-Josh: HI, WE MET THE OTHER NIGHT. DO U WANNA SEE MY PIC?
-Chris: LIVE GIRLS FUCKING
-Josh: Well, actually, no, I'm definitely a guy.
-Chris: OK, that's cool.
Right, I don't know where this is going, so it's gonna stop. That wasn't even a question anyway, it was a challenge. You cheated! (And I failed.)
And P.S. -- there's no need to enlarge my penis.
What is better, an iPod or sliced bread?
An iPod. Obviously.
Nicole asks:
What is your earliest childhood memory?
I'm standing in a dark shop somewhere -- either the Bahamas or Venice, Florida -- with my mother, and I'm telling the woman behind the counter (I think there was a candy display running across the front of the counter) "I'm this many" and holding up two fingers.
Len asks:
Who would play you and your supporting cast in 'Do You Feel Loved: The Movie'? ("This summer...")
Myself: Robbie Williams.
Jeremy Glassman: Chris Elliott.
Josh: Gary Oldman. If he's unwilling to take a role which doesn't require heavy makeup, then Milla Jovovich.
Jackie: Audrey Tatou.
Ashley: Nicole Kidman.
Mark: (Created by CGI)
Paul: Andrew WK (In glasses)
Len: Antonio Banderas.
Cameron: Kevin MacDonald.
Erin: Thora Birch.
Mary Conroy: Judi Dench.
Bono: Himself.
Do you have any recurring dreams? Recurring nightmares?
Not anymore. I used to have these dreams where it would go along as a perfectly normal dream, me hanging out with my friends or whatever, and then for some reason or another I'd leave to go get in my car, or get something from my room, and the Scream killer would be there. And he'd kill me. I haven't had one of those since high-school, though.
When I was really young I used to have a recurring dream with a dinosaur skeleton and a beachside resort. Don't ask why because I don't know.
Will you ever finish the novel?
If by "the novel" you mean Ulysses, then no. If by "the novel" you mean Let Me Entertain You, the book which I've started writing and then re-started five times, then the answer is also probably "no" but hopefully the possibility still remains that I will. We'll see where things go...
And really, where is your head at?
Never where it needs to be.
Jeremiah asks:
How many floor tiles or planks of wood make up the floor of your bedroom? The entire floor, not just what is readily visible.
I said I was going to answer every question posed to me.
I lied.
Stuart asks:
When? Where? What? How? Who? Why?
December 31st, 1999; Bangkok; the Scepter Of A Thousand Tomorrows; with a lead pipe, two sticks of chewing gum, and a ballpoint pen; Dr. Infinity; because I could.
Simon asks:
Teletubbies: Genius, scary, or just "what?"
Definitely genius. I think there's something profoundly hilarious and subversive about a show that sabotages pre-verbal children's language skills while other shows attempt to build them...
You have a chance to meet Bono or me, but not both. Who would you pick? (Be careful how you answer!)
You. Bono's not nearly as cute.
Do you have a favorite musical instrument?
Yes. I have an absolute fetish for the sound of the electric guitar. I am a simple man, with simple pleasures.
Where is your favorite place on Earth?
God, I don't know... it changes quite often. It's either The Bahamas or good ol' New York City. As for a specific spot... I dunno. I wish I could give a better answer to this question, but really, there's just so much to love about so many places.
Cold pizza: Yay or nay?
Oh, definitely nay. Bleagh.
Have you ever had head lice? Crab lice?
No and no.
If you can have five celebrities to take away to a desert island for a dirty weekend, who would you pick?
Robbie Williams and Colin Farrell would do nicely, thanks. No need to get excessive with five. Oh, and maybe I'd bring Ann Coulter and make her watch. Then leave her there at the end of the weekend.
Would you ever eat french fries out of a bin?
Maybe if I was homeless, yeah. Otherwise, nah. They're cheap enough to just go get fresh ones.
Kabir asks:
Why is art (define as you wish) so important to your life?
Because it's the only thing I have any kind of aptitude for. I'm quite shit at math and sciences, though the latter holds some interest for me... the only thing I ever displayed a skill for was language (and a minor fling with visual art), so I've made it my business. As for music... I think it probably connects me to the sort of grand passions I value in life, whether my life's giving them to me or not.
Do you have a fear of failure?
Good question. My instinct is to say no, since failure doesn't really trouble me that much on a conscious level -- I'm not a type-A kind of guy by any means -- but I rarely attempt things which could result in spectacular failure, so honestly, maybe that demon is lurking down somewhere inside my head.
What will you do after university?
Probably something I never intended to do. Honestly, I quite simply do not know, and it's a question I'm going to have to answer for myself sometime in the next six months.
Are you happy?
Yes. Which may sound odd considering how much I complain on the blog and to my friends. But really, I live in the greatest city on Earth, I'm financially well-off, my family is supportive, my friends are amazing, and I'm in love. I swing into depressions occasionally, but on the whole, my life makes me ecstatic with glee and I'm happy to be living it.
Jeremy asks:
What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra. If it's not available, I'm fond of Heath Bar Crunch and Cookie Dough.
Why does your boyfriend suck?
The little baby Jesus made him that way.
Have you ever tasted your own fecal matter?
I hate you. And no.
Ashley asks:
There's a hole in the side of your house?
Yup. (Ed. note -- we apologize for the rapid rate at which in-jokes have taken over this bio)
Although, in-joke aside, there really is a hole in the side of my house -- our dorm room has an "incomplete wall," meaning there's a 2-foot by 4-foot hole in the wall above our door, allowing sound and light to pour in and out from the common room. Woo-fucking-hoo.
Brinson asks:
Who would be invited to your historical tea-party?
Jesus Christ, Oscar Wilde, and Elvis Presley. They'd get along famously.
What thing on this earth do you fear most intensely?
The obvious answer is, death. The other obvious answer is, clowns. The less obvious answer is, the Snuggles bear. All, however, are true. Otherwise I'm remarkably free of petty phobias -- as a child I was scared of lightning and heights, but now I can't get enough of either.
If you were stuck on a desert island, which of your friends... would you kill and eat for their meat first?
I do love Jonesy, but I'd have to say Mark. They breed 'em right in Switzerland, he'd be delectable. And possibly, just possibly, filled with chocolate.
Caroline asks:
Do you have a God-shaped hole? *groan*
No. Thank you for your dual-referencing Bono / Salman Rushdie question, though. And in fact, I'll just go ahead and take this delightful opportunity to say that though I was casually raised Roman Catholic, I'm a fairly committed agnostic. So no, I'm not looking for to save my, save my soul (ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha ha).
Romy asks:
What words make you giggle?
Nowhere near as many as there used to be. But I'm still reliably amused by the usual suspects. I still find the word "poop" pretty funny. But you probably mean otherwise-innocuous words, and there aren't too many of those that still appeal to the third-grader in me. Except maybe "coxswain."
How fast do you type?
I've never measured. (Don't believe a guy who tells you that in any other circumstance). I do type pretty damn fast, though, and I type pretty free-form. The QWERTY method slows me down...
Is purple the new black?
Hell no.
Beatles or Rolling Stones?
Beatles. But I have this weird feeling that I'm about to fall in love with the Rolling Stones. Don't ask me why. It's probably just my inherent susceptibility to their currently increased media presence.
Latoya, Janet, or Michael Jackson?
Janet. God, Janet. The other two are more than a bit scary.
Would you rather be shot or hung?
Definitely shot.
Modernism or post-modernism?
Modernism. Pomos bug me. Please discuss the "indeterminacy" of my fist in your face, you wanker.
Can you hum any commercial jingles? If so, which ones?
None spring to mind. I do remember the melody of the retarded station ID for my mother's favorite adult-contemporary radio channel, God help me.
Max asks:
Now that you've got some college under your proverbial belt, what do you think your most *useful* class in high school was? What was the least useful?
Most useful was definitely AP Lang, which really whipped my writing into shape. Least useful... I dunno. Maybe the art class I took that was all sculpture; it was enjoyable, but not much else. Or maybe Life Management Skills, which taught me nothing I didn't know whatsoever, except CPR which I've already probably forgotten the important details of.
Cat asks:
In response to Romy's question, "would you rather be shot or hung," is the answer soooooo obviously "hung"?
Nope. Can't stand the idea of suffocation. And yes, I know, you were making a pun. So if it was a choice between being shot to death and having a big penis, then yes, I'd choose the big penis. But I chose to interpret the word "hung" within context as a method of execution.
Have I thoroughly robbed you of your fun? Good. ;-D
Now that I'm done being dirty... do readers of your weblog know that you really like Britney Spears' "I'm A Slave 4 U"?
They do now! God, what a great song.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Nope.
Would you ever kiss a girl?
In a truly honest romantic sense? Probably not, no. The attraction's just not there.
Under what circumstances would you blow coke?
Nothing short of a gun to my head, probably. Why anyone would even sample a brain-destroying impossibly addictive drug is beyond me, no matter how nice it makes you feel.
From the previous questions, do you think I'd like you better if you were a straight cokehead?
I do suddenly find myself wondering.
Do you know who Major Major Major Major is?
He's a character in Joseph Heller's Catch-22. Good book.
Laura asks:
Isn't it obvious? The question to answer is, "do you feel loved?" or "Have you ever been in love?"
Most of the time, and yes, yes I have.
All-time favorite record?
U2 - Achtung Baby. Always and forever.
What was your childhood nickname?
My sister called me Monkey-Boy. I always wanted to be Lemur-Boy, but that was what she called my older brother. I liked calling myself Janosz, and tried to make my friends do it, but it never really stuck except as my first screen-name online, circa 1995 or so (Janosz01 on AOL. I'm thinking it's deactivated now). For the record, it was a Ghostbusters II reference.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
Rock. Seriously. I'll make no secret of it, my ideal profession -- and the one I'm probably a little bit too fixated on -- is rock star. If anyone with a band that doesn't suck needs a lead singer who can't really sing but has buckets of charisma, give me a call...
Barring that, I want to write, or work in the music business, or oh fuck, do something, I don't know. See Kabir's question earlier. This kind of talk scares me.
Favorite word?
Rock. Seriously.
Fil asks:
Tiny bit embarassed to ask, but: where might one find your erogenous zone?
Right about where you'd expect. My right nipple's pretty sensitive, though.
Psylocke or Jean Grey?
I always loved Psylocke and wished the writers would pay more attention to her, because I thought she was a fun character. But for sheer depth, complexity, and all-around greatness, Jean can't be topped amongst the X-Women. Please, somebody shoot me for putting so much thought into this question.
Paul asks:
So which one's An, which one's Cat, and who the hell is Dubh?
(The editor once again apologizes for the in-jokes) The genius of the metaphor lies in its open-endedness, Paul. Embrace that. (You too, Cameron.)
LN asks:
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
God. Despite my abiding love for music, I'd have to say deaf -- it seems like it would be so much easier to function in life without hearing, as opposed to sight... though I must confess, the whole idea of the way in which your other senses become more sensitive upon going blind does fascinate me.
2nd favorite U2 album?
After Achtung Baby comes Pop or Zooropa. They're always duking it out for my affections.
2nd favorite U2 song?
"Elevation."
2nd favorite U2 band-member?
The Edge.
Will you ever wear that velvet dress?
I've worn a sequined one before. Probably not, but I don't rule anything out.
Kyle asks:
Toilet paper: Scrunch or roll?
Ah, what a fitting penultimate question as we finally cross the "too much info" barrier. Scrunch.
True love or shits 'n' giggles?
True love. I just can't picture myself getting involved in a sexual relationship if I don't care about the person I'm doing it with. Maybe I'll think otherwise someday, but for now, uh-uh.