Hrm. Whenever I start watching a new video by a fairly good artist, I always try to find out the hidden meaning behind their video, as if to not humiliate myself when I go about reviewing them. This works well for both U2's "Elevation" and R.E.M's "Imitation of Life", that I did not grasp nor realize quickly enough, and had to get the Chrismeister to explain it to me on this site, by his review. I'm quite certain that Dido is very much smart, and that there is a hidden concept that'll make me scream 'Brilliant!', but as for this moment, this is just a really colourful and boring video.

'Stan' obviously had a point. But it wasn't quite a Dido video at all. 'Here With Me' ended to explain us that Dido was just dropping everything to go to her boyfriend. 'Thank You' was a whole video based on one line of the song. After at least a trio here, how could I expect anything mildly interesting or sophisticated from her? I just can't. You must agree.

This video showcases Dido basically chasing around herself, her alter ego, or whatever. I am stupified. Dido #2, the chasee, keeps looking back grimly, or with a hint of an evil smile, whilst Dido #1, the chaser, looks quite lost and unattended. Beyond that, we really don't have a video here. What are shades of purple and green if not a quick mislead to the teenybopper girls (and even guys) of this world? Beats me.

Now, where's that metal appliance?

reviewed by May
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9.26.2001

Michael Jackson
"You Rock My World"

I am sad right now.

It was 11 minutes or so long. It had Marlon Brando. And, much like Michael Jackson in the attached picture, it sucked.

20 minutes ago, I was excited. I had a feeling, some weird intangible sensation, that Michael Jackson was making a comeback. That, come the end of October, Invincible would be exploding onto the charts, selling millions, and making him an amazing star again. Not to be.

I am a huge fan of 80's Michael Jackson, as are most other people in the world. Thriller and Off the Wall are two utterly amazing rock/pop albums, and everything else he did then was pretty damn swell too. And when it comes to dancing and video artistry...well, let's just say that ol' MJ deserves to be one of the patron saints of FUCK MTV! His videos were one of the reasons videos became popular. Who doesn't remember "Thriller," or the dancing under the lampposts from "Billie Jean," or the knife-fight and the guy with the really fast shaking head from "Beat It"? Like it or not, MJ and his videos are the kind of landmark things that stick in your mind.

The only thing I'm going to remember from "You Rock My World" is that Marlon Brando continues to be quite fat.

There are stars here. Brando, Chris Tucker, Michael Madsen (though Mr. Blonde doesn't say a thing, just kinda snarls funny-like in his powder-blue blazer) lead the way, and of course, Michael Jackson. There's a story, where Michael follows a beautiful young girl to a seedy club that features snarling gangsters, and stuff burns, and Chris beats some guys up, and Brando says about 3 or 4 words, but really, we're not here for the story, although MJ's videography tells some great stories. We're here for the dancing.

He doesn't fucking dance.

It's a Michael Jackson video, and he doesn't fucking dance.

Let's get this straight: the song sucks. Plain and simple. It's the same R&B pop pap that most of the genre is turning out now, and it's actually worst than most of all that. But if the video was something else, if MJ busted out the glove, the moves...all I'm asking for is a little moonwalk. And nothing. He moves, yeah, and I suppose he dances, but it's all automated, slow, rigid, military style dancing. He seems to be running at 40% speed. For fuck's sake, Chris Tucker dances more than MJ does. Marlon Brando doesn't dance, but if he did, he'd probably have enough momentum in his blubber to keep it going longer than MJ. I really don't know what to say to all this, except that it's not the way to go about a comeback. They do a good job of keeping MJ's hat in front of his face to hide his terrifyingly contorted, twisted, up-turned nose, half-pig, half-Helena-Bonham-Carter-in-Planet-of-the-Apes visage, and there are "cute" shout outs to past videos (re: Chris and Michael sitting at a bar, watching a girl walk by, and Chris saying "The girl is mine;" or the subtle little flipping a guy over straight out of "Smooth Criminal), but it ain't nearly enough to keep this thing watchable. Maybe the short form plays better, but I don't see how it could. There's not even enough content in these 11 minutes to fill 3.

I don't think Michael Jackson's an awful person. He's a genius of some form, or at least was once. And now, we have proof that when genius dies, it dies hard.

One star, for pity. And Marlon Brando.

reviewed by Paul Pugliese
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9.25.2001

Britney Spears
"I'm A Slave 4 U"

First off, let's give a round of applause for that classy-ass screenshot up there. Britney Spears is... SWAMP THING. Works for me.

And now, "I'm A Slave 4 U." For the record, this song is about being a slave to dancing. Yes. Ahem. In the words of Lorne Michaels, "Riiiiiight." But you must admit that Da Brit is all about da dancing in this video, which is set in an Asian bathhouse / nightclub / steamy place of sexy things where underwear models prowl. Speaking of which, I must give plenty of credit to Britney for discarding the traditional teen-pop plasticine set, packed with translucent primary colors and crazed disco lights. You know, the kind of set Hype Williams masturbates to. And speaking of masturbation...

Wow. You must also give Britney credit for having the balls to act out on screen every one of the nasty, dirty fantasies her image has been linked with ever since she strode into our living rooms two years ago wearing nothing but a schoolgirl's uniform and a smile. Face it, people (or at least those of you in our audience who walk around on three legs), you've wanted to do everything that gets done to Britney in this video for the longest time now. Jesus Christ, she spends the climactic moments of this video buried in a seething pile of half-naked twenty-somethings who are LICKING HER. This couldn't get more explicit if Justin Timberlake crashed through the ceiling and banged out a pearl necklace on her.

The Super-Slut image may not be as daring now as it was ten years ago when Madonna first let the world take a peek at her gitchy-gitchy-ya-ya-ta-ta, but Britney going so fast, so young is unquestionably a new benchmark in the media portrayal of teen sexuality (note that I specify "media portrayal" -- I think we all know our generation is about a thousand times filthier than Britney's wildest quasi-erotica), and that takes a lot of daring, because the backlash is going to hit fast and it's going to hit hard. We've seen her catch shit about her boobies before (and I hear there are certain sites online where you can swap that "about" for "with"), but "I'm A Slave 4 U" will undoubtedly incite a whole new wave of prudish asshole-puckering.

That is, if it's popular. Her disastrous attempts at getting her freak on python-style at the VMAs may have put a severe lower-back cramp into her Kama-Sutrastic ambitions, at least in the public's eye. And despite all my libertinish sexual mores, I do have to raise an eyebrow when I realize just how young the fanbase she's leading unto temptation is. But if this is a world where Eminem can teach us about artistic responsibility, then we need to consider Britney on her assets (hee) alone. And on the strength of this video, I'd say that Britney can slut with the best of them, and good for her. She never said she was a role model, folks, just an entertainer, and now she's an adult too. It would in fact be fair to say that she's an "adult entertainer." Her job is simply to keep them -- er, it -- coming. And she does her job well.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.24.2001

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
"Fifteen Feet Of Pure White Snow"

This video is eerily reminiscent of a New Year's Eve party held in my parents' basement sometime in the 70's. As a matter of fact, Nick Cave has the same hairdo my dad had back then. And I think that's my Uncle Vito with the white shoes.

It's a typical dance hall party, everyone high on the spiked punch and dancing like they left their inhibitions in someone else's video. But then, it suddenly turns from 70's pre-orgy dance to a sublime horror movie as Cave leads the crowd in a devilish dance of the manic. Watching the revelers leaves you with a god-awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, as if you know something very very bad is happening, you just can't figure out what.

Is this the dance of the living or the dance of the dead? You want to know what happens next. Do they dance until they tire out and fall on the floor? Do they realize they are snowbound and eat each other to stay alive? Or does the line dance from hell they are performing call up some crazy ass god who delivers them all to Dante's Inferno?

Or, perhaps, the 15 feet of pure white snow alluded to is just cocaine and they're all high. Whichever one works for you.

Ed. Note: This video is available at nickcave.net

reviewed by Michele C
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Jay-Z
"I.Z.Z.O. (H.O.V.A.)"

And now is your cue to scratch your head. For mere moments ago, I slammed DMX's "We Right Here" for simply being another of those damn rap videos where the thugs and the adoring public bounce. And yes, that's pretty much the driving motif of "I.Z.Z.O. (H.O.V.A.)", too. However, there are two important differences.

First off, Jay-Z is, like DMX, vying for the "king of hip-hop" crown, and with this video, unlike DMX, he acts like it. DMX just stands around acting sort of tough, while Jay-Z has already claimed the throne: he takes a victory parade through town, hangs his likeness off of monumental Romanesque architecture, and sells merchandise with his face plastered all over it. That, my friends, is the methodology of a kingpin. And while I know part of DMX's entire ethos is to avoid the bling-bling nonsense of most hip-hop, you've got to at least visually assert your dominance in a manner other than curling your lip and throwing your shoulders out. Jay-Z has done just that.

And the second important difference -- the people in Jay-Z's video look like they're having FUN. Everyone in "We Right Here" has a stern look of concentration on his or her face; Jigga's people are all smiles and shouts and boogie. We get blue skies, water pistols, and giggling children, three tropes very rarely seen in the customary rap world of blackest night, .45s, and snarling teens.

Once THE GREAT DEPRESSION hits, we'll see which video methodology speaks loudest to the people. But I know which camp I belong to: the one that has a little room for camp.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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DMX
"We Right Here"

Every time I see this video, I keep thinking "man, I have to review this. It's so dry and boring and uninteresting, I can't let it escape unscathed." But now that I have it pinned with my bloodied paws... I've got nothing. Really. I mean, this video is just too unoriginal and nondescript to even muster clever mockery for. Even the song is boring, coming nowhere near the splendor of "Ruff Ryders Anthem" or, hell, any other moderately interesting DMX track.

Much like almost every other DMX video, it simply features him and his gang of indeterminately useful thugs bouncing up and down slightly and looking aggressive, while people ride motorcycles nearby. Honestly. That's it. Oh, and some of his adoring public also bounces up and down and looks aggressive. It's in widescreen with red borders, and that's pretty much the only original thought on display here. If you're planning to take over the rap world through massive sales, DMX, it helps to have your audience be awake to buy the record.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.23.2001

Five
"Let's Dance"

Forget what you know about me. Erase all memory of my history of music liking, and think clear. May gave Five (/5ive) four stars. Four. That's quite it. I am not on the unsensible side, and I don't have a fever.

Ever had that thing where you get a song that swings you to a great moment in your life? I have a band that does that to me. It's not as if I like every song of theirs to pieces of sugary sweetness, but I do love a lot of their songs, and the following, a techno mix to quite an hilarious (to my foul taste) video, is definitely a swing backer.

The video presents us the boys, fluttering around, at first. Normal dance routine, think very much boyband, with a missing member (Sean) as a cardboard doll. Damn foonie for the easily amused. Quickly before you turn to switch a channel, you see the real idea, the boys are making the video while being in the video and in a large room with their (apparent) director and crew. All through the video you'll see the making of it, with switching scenes, to their order.

Things I liked to focus about was the hilarious looks on their faces when something they didn't like happened (read: dancing men in the back), or the utterly idiotic look on Ritchie's (that blond guy) face as he kept on singing. No, really. That made me laugh.

And hello, in the version that you can hear them talking (some are just subtitled), it's british! And who can resist a british accent? I don't know, but it surely isn't the one behind her computer, respectively.

reviewed by May
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9.22.2001

R.E.M.
"All The Way To Reno"

I'd intended to review this video a couple months ago, and give it only three stars. I'm glad I didn't. Because today, I put on my copy of REVEAL and listened to it while I was folding my laundry. (It's a good record for that sort of thing, by the way. And that's not an insult. It's just a very pleasant thing to listen to on a sunny, domestic day). And when I got to "All The Way To Reno," listening to it on CD for the first time since July or so, I noticed a strange thing: I liked it a whole lot more than I ever had previously. The first time I'd heard the song, I wearily thought "Sigh. Another poor choice for the album's second single" (No band in the history of time has ever picked the right second single for their album, IMHO. With the possible exception of "Mysterious Ways" off U2's ACHTUNG BABY). And after a moment's thought, I realized why I had come around. It was the video.

Originally, I'd conceived of the song as I believe it had been written: an ode to a hapless loser who has no idea what he's in for in the big bad world. I picture a blond-haired cowpoke in dusty jeans and lame boots with a guitar and a stupid smile, hitching his way across Nevada to his "certain" stardom. But when Michael Moore signed on to direct the video, he took a more optimistic tack, and set it in high school, the land of big dreams and certain ambition. While the action of the video may consist of little but R.E.M. acting goofy and singing songs, the sheer energy and vitality of it is inspiring -- when was the last time you saw REAL high schoolers in an MTV video, not twenty-three-year-old dancers in halter tops and daisy dukes? -- and it has reshaped the song for me, decidedly for the better. And that's a pretty tough thing for a video to do. Plus, Moore let those actual high schoolers do the camerawork. THAT's something to have on your film & production resume at sixteen, eh, kids? So I salute you, "Reno." Maybe I was wrong about you after all.

By the way, sales of REVEAL are still criminally low. Go buy it, you pack of arseholes.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.21.2001

Depeche Mode
"I Feel Loved"

Oh, there's no question now. I'm getting soft in my old age. My twentieth birthday is only six months away, you know; I'm a fuckin' geezer. Hand me my Geritol and my Billy Joel albums. (No, I'm serious. Hand me my Billy Joel albums. I actually like him.) In harsher, more cynical times, I'd probably be hitting this video with the "Merely Adequate" two stars, despite my great and overwhelming love for The Mode. But what can I say? While ol' Fast Fashion here have remained resolutely bleeding-edge (I mean, come on, their frontman only kicked coke n' heroin four years ago, and he's almost forty! That's effin' hardcore!), I have mellowed out into a big old sissy-man, easily amused by a dark atmosphere, some overused slo-mo, and a bunch of barking dogs. Because really, that's all we get here other than strong background lighting. The whole "concept": DM play in a hot, sweaty Chinatown club while the cops come blasting through the door armed with furious German shepherds (I'm telling you, officer, Dave Gahan's clean now). Then, apparently, they just sort of lose interest and leave. I'm not quite sure what happens, honestly (Have you noticed how often videos seem to force me to say that?) -- the dogs just suddenly become a non-issue and nothing more of consequence happens. DM just keep on playing. Sounds weak, doesn't it? When taken as a whole, though, the video does strongly compliment the dark, pounding rhythm of the song. Even if that it is pretty much its only selling point (besides the security guard who looks like Cameron Crowe).

The moral of the story? Twenty years on, DM are still, musically at least, doing what they do best. I'm chickening out and handing out the wimpy three-star rating far too much. Oh, my rock and roll dreams...

By the way: One of these days, I'll write a review for this site without using parentheses. Just you watch.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.20.2001

Coldplay
"Trouble"

You know, for a new, young band, Coldplay do some startlingly good videos. I think we can pretty much agree that the stark simplicity of "Yellow's" concept and execution was a beautiful thing. "Shiver" may have been a straight-up performance video (which I think we know my views on), but the lighting was nifty (Look! Shiny things!). And our very own May gave "Don't Panic," an animated offering, five stars. Now, CP have returned with another animated video for their latest (and hopefully last from this album -- come on, boys, back to the studio!) single, "Trouble."

There's a truly fascinating blend of live action and computer animation here that makes for a strange kind of stop-motion vibe. I'm not a film student, so I'd have to ask my roommate the animation major just how they did it, but the overall effect is beautiful. The actual storyline and events are less striking, unfortunately -- pollen flies through the air, Coldplay ride in a cart, a girl waters her flowers, and some kind of huge evil crow sort of destroys the world a little, it's kind of hard to tell -- but I think the director was banking on all the pretty-pretty being enough to keep you entertained. At the moment, it works for me. This might not actually be a four star video, but it is different from everything else out there (in a good way -- nobody wears wigs like Mary J. Blige's but you don't see me giving "Family Affair" a high rating, do you?) and I haven't given a truly positive review in a while. So why not?

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.18.2001

Weezer
"Island In The Sun"

So then. Spike Jonze and Weezer, together again. I can't believe they even tried it, myself. As it is physically impossible for anything in the history of pop culture to top "Buddy Holly," it seems like a bad idea to ever put two of the three vital components of that apocalyptically great video together in the same place (the third component, of course, was The Fonz, who is sadly too busy appearing in Adam Sandler movies). Thankfully, they avoid a potential calamity by quietly, politely underachieving. "Island In The Sun" is not a great video. It doesn't even TRY to be a great video. Spike pretty much just dumps Weezer -- minus bassist Mikey Welsh, of course, who was otherwise occupied with making the word "Weezer" appear in the tabloid press for the first, and last, time ever -- on a sunlit grassy hillside with a bunch of cute baby animals, points the camera at them, and then goes out to get some coffee.

Luckily, the lion cubs have all the charisma that Rivers Cuomo doesn't have -- is it just me, or does he look very caveman-ish in profile? -- and puppies have never hurt a single music video, ever. Think about it. If you can prove me wrong, please, send me an e-mail. chris@doyoufeelloved.com (The best suggestion wins a prize). There are cheap shots, of course -- I regret the use of the monkey, to be honest. Monkeys are overexposed right now. But on the whole, sunshine + baby animals = good. Look at that, people. That's math. And math don't lie.

Sometimes, Spike Jonze is sublime, sometimes, he's so simple it's sublime, and sometimes, he's just simple. But "Island..." is still a properly fun three and a half minutes that perk up an otherwise bland single. And I don't mean to dwell on tragedy, but boy, we needed some cute little animals right now.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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R. Kelly
"Feelin' On Yo' Booty"
(0 stars)

Look. Mr. Kelly, your haircut is ridiculous, you are dressed like Santa Claus, and your video is fucking boring and does not contain a single new, interesting, or creative element. It is all just bitches, bubbles, and cars. It sucks. You have angered me. Get off the fucking air.

Sometimes, it's just that simple.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.16.2001

Nelly Furtado
"Turn Off The Light"

I can't describe how wrathful it makes me to hear and/or see "I'm Like A Bird" on television or radio now. I'm sorry, but that song grates on me profoundly -- overexposure will do that for you. This, however, is a pleasant change of pace. I've got a lot of respect for anyone who tries as hard as Nelly Furtado does to do something new with their music. There's not a whole lot of theoretical innovation going on in this video, but there is a pleasingly off-kilter sensibility that compliments the oddness of the music.

I snort in derision at the muddy DJ, but otherwise, all the weird little visual hooks of this video hit their mark -- the subtly reversed film and doctored frame rates, the widely varying color palette, even the Gabriel Garcia-Marquez breakdown in the third verse (That's the best description I can come up with, people. I'm an English major, remember? I'm a snooty literary bastard). There just aren't enough men in hoop skirts on MTV these days, and God bless Ms. Furtado for striving to correct that deficit. Four and a half minutes of hip-hop inflected, politely moderate strangeness work for me in the era of the soulless David Meyers rap video (man, I'm tired of that shithead). Good stuff.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.15.2001

U2
"Stuck In A Moment..."

Weep.

This song is a beautiful gospel number about the loss of a treasured friend to suicide. So of course, one should make a video about football players with obnoxious CGI and a cameo by John Madden, right?

Artists of the world! STOP GIVING JOSEPH KAHN MONEY TO MAKE VIDEOS!!! Sweet mother of Christ! It's only going to get worse!

There are a few redeeming frames to this video -- the anguish at the core of the concept is somewhat relevant and affecting, even if it is buried under a pile of ridiculous crap. You get to see Larry Mullen change his facial expression for the first time since 1991 ("You're going to call the album WHAT?!?"). And The Edge once again proves that he missed a career as a slapstick silent-film star. But otherwise... no. Just... no.

There was a European video for this song that was classy and dignified, directed by Kevin Godley, and this is a song that has become very relevant to a lot of people in the wake of Tuesday's tragedy. Please, please, U2, MTV, anyone with any control over this: Strip this godawful abortion from the air and give the people something they can hold on to.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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9.6.2001

Common
"Geto Heaven"

You know, if you asked me this morning, "Hey Paul, do you think you'll be giving four stars to a fricking Common video tonight?", I probably would have responded, "Hells no, biznatch. Don't you be steppin' to press on ME!" I would have shortly tripped you and kicked dirt in your face, because man, you must be an idiot to presume such an unfathomable future.

Okay, fine. I'm giving a Common video four stars. I eat crow, along with the foot in my mouth. Happy? There's a fine reason for this, though. Read on.

I've never been a huge Common fan. As a matter of fact, I'm not a big fan of the whole jungledust scene as a whole. I don't even like this song that much. "Geto Heaven, Geto Heaven, yeah, get me seven, get me seven, uh, seven ladies, drivin' Mercedes, seven ladies, fuckin' up Hades, uh, straight up now Geto Heeeeeeaveeeeeen" isn't exactly my idea of a great chorus, though I do kind of like the internal rhyme. Honestly, though, Common's no English major, and this anti-masterpiece is no exception.

But the video. Oh god, the video.

In my last video, I scolded Aerosmith for wanton misuse of robots. Allow me to take all the nasty things I've said about big flying robots back and spit them back out with a different color, because "Geto Heaven" has made me a believer in the Transformer way once more.

For those who haven't seen the video (and there's a good chance that's a lot of you, since it's mostly just been making the rounds on MTV2 of late), picture your standard rap video. Big chains, large imposing thug men who look like they could rip your arms off without breaking a sweat, and lots of tricked-out cars full of "bitches," as it were. Picture this going on for about a minute.

And then picture god-damn flying robots coming sailing into the "Geto" and going buck-wild.

Seriously, it was like a flashback to 1987 and the Transformers movie. Albeit a lot less kid-friendly, and without any random renditions of Weird Al's "Dare to Be Stupid" at inopportune times, but still: watching a large, building size robot tear a baggy-pantsed drug pusher in two is definitely a worthy replacement.

You know, this video'd be up for a lot more tonight if it had gotten any exposure on regular MTV, but I can understand why they kept it on the 2: if they made a fuss over "Smack My Bitch Up" and "What It Feels Like For A Girl," the MTV managerial team would probably have a half-dozen ulcers apiece over "Geto Heaven." The fact that it's all in good fun and with a big, colorful, children's day-care-like color scheme really doesn't change the fact that these big happy robots are tearing Common's jungledust brethren into chunky bits resembling an 8 piece bucket of KFC. The juxtaposition of absurd violence and bright, happy, Playskool-esque colors is a bit jarring and disturbing when you think about it, but I'm sorry: it's funny as hell. At about 2:30 in, the expression on Big T's face (I think his jersey said 'Big T'...it might have been 'Big Tyrone' or something, but you get the same desired effect, right?) alone is worth the price of admission. I really, really don't think he expected THAT to happen to his dog. The cinematography is quality stuff, and the lighting is surprisingly high-class for a video for an artist who hasn't really hit it big yet. Then again, this is the sort of thing that makes a fledgling artist hit it big. As soon as it gets a little more airtime, this is going to be Common's "Buddy Holly" or "Jeremy."

In all honestly, the video does bother me a little: there's a point when the cruelty becomes a little excessive, and that's why I'm not giving it the total 5 stars. I do understand the point that either Common, the director (did that say Corbijin? Missed the credits--if anyone knows if good Anton was responsible, drop me a line), or both were trying to make, and they did it admirably, but I still think there's an exploitation line that you can cross straight into overkill country.

Then again, when a big red robot eats a car full of hoochies...I'm not really going to complain all that much.

Common, "Geto Heaven." The underseen, underappreciated gem of this year's awards. If you haven't seen it, watch for the clip tonight, and just pray they show some of the good stuff. Transform and roll out, yo!

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Paul Pugliese has not, in fact, ever seen the video for Common's "Geto Heaven." But he wanted to participate tonight anyway. It's OK, though, because Common doesn't have a chance in hell of winning. Ta.)

reviewed by Paul
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Peter Gabriel
"Sledgehammer"

I turned on MTV2 and this was playing. Sometimes, in the midst of all the dire, dire shit I've seen today and will see tonight, it's nice to be reminded that not everything in the world sucks horrible ass. For example, this video is amazingly flawlessly great.

Listening to The Pogues in Washington Square Park on a beautiful day is nice, too. And taking an hour to do that this afternoon is the only reason I haven't gone into the bathroom and dropped a toaster in the tub after this video-review binge. Also, I don't own a toaster.

Enough about my psychosis. "Sledgehammer" is great, it's not going to win any awards tonight because it was released in 1986, and I'm OK with that. I hope you are too.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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N'Sync
"Pop"

It's hard to believe that we've avoided it for so long, but this is the first FUCK MTV! review of an N'Sync video. Astonishing. Now, of course, our cherry has been *ahem* "popped." Yes, I should be killed for that joke.

I fucking love this song. This song is great. This video, however, is an entirely different story. It's so blandly there, with almost no distinguishing characteristics beyond an amped-up visual style that just pumps the typical boy-band video full of crystal meth. The clothes-switching thing is visually neat, but it's been done repeatedly since sometime around 1986. The jerky stop-start pacing and cinematography is pretty much exactly the same story. The video's only real distingushing characteristics are (a.) the lamest N'Sync choreography move ever -- by which, of course, I mean, the "Missionary Position Fuck" -- and (b.) the Roy Lichenstein-ish collaged abortion that brings the video's last thirty seconds to a new level of terror. I'm sure it sounded like a great idea in the pitch, boys, but it doesn't exactly come off here. Thank God the radio edit eliminates Justin's mediocre Rahzel impression.

What I say is, of course, irrelevant, since it's going to win the Viewer's Choice Award by a savagely huge margin. It might even deserve the Best Editing award, since the edits are technically quite difficult and widespread, despite their unoriginal effect. Oh well. Far worse things will win awards tonight, and we all know it.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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Outkast
"Ms. Jackson"

In the words of Jack (who will begin writing for us sometime in the next few weeks, we hope) in an IM conversation just moments ago:

Okay, so "Ms. Jackson" is in fact eligible for this year's awards... and yet it's not nominated in every catagory? They didn't just decide to call the show "The 2001 MTV Ms. Jackson Awards" and make it five minutes long?

Amen, brother. Only two videos this year took a very simple idea and executed it with such skill as to become truly sublime pop happenings. One was Madonna's "Don't Tell Me," with its dirty tech-cowboy look and frankly astonishing choreography and style. The other was, of course, "Ms. Jackson," and the only other video I can think of that comes close to matching its brilliance is the vastly different and wildly incandescent "B.O.B." Which is, of course, another Outkast video. Why these two men will not be crushed by mountains of little gold Moonmen tonight, I cannot say, but whoever opted not to nominate them repeatedly should be taken out behind the Metropolitan Opera House and shot in the back of the head. There's a big dumpster behind Tower Records at 67th and Broadway. We can put the corpse in there.

Really, though, this is a great video. It's blindingly simple, and its premise relates to the lyrical content of the song in only vague metaphorical terms, but it's SO well filmed and performed that it transcends what would normally be a tremendous flaw. Never once do you really even consider this schism between the song and the visual; you're just too entranced to care. The set design and cinematography are flawless, the pace is slow and smooth, and it all. Just. CLICKS.

Plus, there are puppies and kitties, and they're cute, and they sort of sing a little.

Way to ruin any intellectual credibility you might have had, Chris.

Seriously, though, this is a beautiful thing that has been robbed of the spotlight. If it does not win Best Hip-Hop Video, then God is dead. And you can quote me on that.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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Eve w/ Gwen Stefani
"Let Me Blow Ya Mind"

Admit it: You have never seen a white girl look so ridiculous. Ever. EVER. But it's OK, because it's just sooooo funny. The costume folks for this one really did a spectacular job -- Eve's pants rock my socks and Gwen is the epitome of comedy (you know, I really do hope that was intentional). The premise is pretty basic -- Eve and Gwen crash a high-society party and get they ass thrown in jail (till Dre busts 'em out WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONARE?-style) -- but it's really just an excuse for E&G to strut around looking sassy and to ride on pretty motorthings. Which they do exceedingly well, so all power to them.

Udo Kier makes a very special guest appearance as a rich guy who just does not understand what is happening to his soiree. All he does is look flabbergasted and bug-eyed, which isn't much of a stretch for him. Clearly, nobody involved was too stressed in the making of this video. It's loose, it's funky, it's cliched as all hell. But you know what? We shall forgive. Yes, because of the pants.

The moral of the story: White people hate black people. Until they're drunk. And then they can boogie together in har-mo-nee.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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Backstreet Boys
"The Call"

In the faraway and distant pop future, when the Backstreet Boys are dead and forgotten (I believe it's the era historians will call "next June"), "The Call" will be remembered as their last gasp of mad pop fun, the final moment where maybe you could admit that they made some decent pop songs and did some fine entertaining. With its sinister overtones and infidelity riff, it's easily the most appealingly sleazy song & dance number released by any of the teen acts of the last few years, and the video actually manages to match its nas-tay-ness, as the BSB get systematically knocked off by a wronged lover (and can I just say how frighteningly prophetic it is that AJ is the first to go?). The fact that she's jealously gunning for vengeance against ALL of them raises my own personal eyebrow -- dude, doing all of them is like doing a guy and his four brothers... I mean, that's Springer-style, that's just cold -- and the whole identity switch editing trick is a bit cute, but hey, we're not asking for THE GODFATHER here.

David Fincher's cinematographer is clearly sleeping in Francis Lawrence's bed, and Franci also has a very serious hard-on for THE MATRIX (There's homage, and then there's blatantly ripping off several shots), but the sum of the video's derivative parts is still a pleasingly evil number. When it comes right down to it, this was dirty pop before N'Sync and BT made it a household name -- morally bankrupt lyrics, frantic and heedless sampling of musical styles (I mean, flamenco guitar? Fuckin' righteous), and a lot of wet black leather. I know my body's starting to rock.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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Missy Elliot (And Her Cast Of Thousands)
"Get Ur Freak On"

New York City is plastered with posters promoting the VMAs tonight, each one featuring a one-color silhouette of a notable pop star and a short tagline to accompany it. Every time I get on the subway, the slithering Mr. Fantastic-style head and neck of Missy Elliot lunges at me from the walls, proclaiming ">FREAKY" in futuristic fonts. I'm glad she's getting so much exposure now, though, because she doesn't have U2's chance in hell of winning the Video Of The Year Award. After all, she's up against the two most powerful W's of our society -- whores and Walken. We all know that other W is a big load of crap.

That's not to say she didn't make an enjoyable video, but really, it doesn't even begin to have a shot -- for all its Manson-meets-TOMB RAIDER vibes and weird-assed acrobatics and CGI spittle (and I know I'm not the first to say it, but HOLY SHIT THAT'S FUCKING GROSS -- and cool), it's still bogged down by frame after frame of unnecessary celebrity cameos (I mean Jesus, woman, LL Cool J? How do you look in the mirror the next morning?) and its entirely incomprehensible ending, in which her and her ladyfriends... ride in a car. Oooookaaaaaayyyy. Can anyone say "out of place"? The manic absurdity of it all is great fun, and god DAMN that's one infectiously catchy song, but the video just never quite comes together. If you REALLY want freaks, then please note the review below. I mean my God, Christina looks like the Slut-Queen Of The Lizard People.

(Clearly, we never miss a chance to slam the Divine Miss A.)

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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Christina Aguilera, Li'l Kim, Mya, & Pink
"Lady Marmalade"

The original version of this song was popular when I was a wee child back in the day. My mother wouldn't let me sing it. "Only whores sing this song," she would say, and she was wrong. She should have said skank ass whores.

I have never seen such a colossal piece of trash in my life. I know the video is inspired by the movie Moulin Rouge, but it is so lacking in taste and class that it may as well have been inspired by Frederick's of Hollywood. If I want to see scantily clad women gyrating and getting off on themselves... well, that's what free porn is for. And either Christina Aguiliera has not looked in a mirror lately or she's been smoking Lil' Kim's crack, because she continued to look like the Bride of Frankenstein after the video was over.

This vid is about as sexy as circus clowns fondling themselves.

reviewed by Michele C
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9.4.2001

Tori Amos
"Strange Little Girl"

You know, we're going to skip right past all of the "strange little girl" jokes because really, they're too easy. Tori Amos is, by most accounts, weirder than fuck, and we're all well aware of it, so let's get down to brass tacks.

This is the first single off of Amos' conceptual covers album (sounds like a disaster, doesn't it? We can still hope) STRANGE LITTLE GIRLS. In terms of grabbing your attention, it's not doing a terribly great job of it. Amos is making some very, very weird choices of tunes to cover on this disc -- Eminem's "97 Bonnie & Clyde" and a Slayer number, for instance -- and although this song is a pretty decent mission statement for the album at large, it's not musically or lyrically interesting enough to make your eyebrows perk up. Which is what the lead video must always do. We do get some lovely production design in the form of a blood red sky and a spooky old house, as well as a big black dog and Amos playing two different characters -- herself and the eponymous Strange Little Girl -- but in the end it doesn't add up to much of an experience at all, I'm sorry to say. Plus, it's got the kind of twist ending you'll enjoy only if you write bad poetry.

After suckling a pig in your liner notes, we expect much more weirdness of you, Tori. You'd best get to work earning that new album title.

reviewed by Chris Conroy
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