Submissions To FUCK MTV!

As of November 12th, 2001, FUCK MTV! is the only portion of the American economy which is actively hiring.

So perhaps it's a stretch to call us a part of the economy. As a matter of fact, you don't get paid. And you never will get paid. It's even a stretch to call us American, since not every current writer is. BUT THE POINT IS, WE'RE HIRING.

We want intelligent, perceptive, funny, talented people to write for us, because heaven knows we don't have any right now. (And just like that, the staff quits in a fit of collective rage.) So we're inviting our readers and non-readers to submit their own video reviews to us.

Like all things that aren't any fun, however, there are rules to the submissions. They are:

1. For God's fucking sake, it's called grammar. And spelling. Read your frigging entry and make sure there are no stupid mistakes, because if there are, you just catapulted down the list of possibilities. Also, please try to write with a modicum of clarity.
   
   
2. Please review a video that we've had a good chance of seeing. It doesn't even have to be recent, and it's OK if we've written about it before. If you make it to the staff it doesn't matter what the hell you write about -- admit it, none of you ever saw either of the two Nick Cave videos we reviewed -- but for the purposes of this adjudication, we need to know you're not pulling something out of your ass.
   
   
3. It doesn't matter if your test review is negative or positive. If you're really uptight about it, you might want to send us one of each. If you're doing a positive review, don't feel the need to gush in "impressive" language about how the video in question reshaped your life and gave you an erection and built you a new house and brought you to Jesus. By the same token, don't feel compelled to make your "negative" review overpowering, either. As frequently as I myself use the metaphor, I strongly doubt that any video you review ACTUALLY physically fucked you in the anus and wiped itself on your mother. So don't say that it did, OK? 'Cuz that's slander. And slander's mean. In any event, though it may not seem like it sometimes, we really do appreciate subtlety in writing.
   
   
4. All the stuff your high school English teacher taught/is teaching you -- don't use cliches, vary your sentence structure, all that. We're not just looking for passion, we're looking for good writing. And it's hard to break this to the word-obsessed weblog community sometimes, but not everyone is a good writer.
   
   
5. That reminds us: You don't have to have a weblog to write for us. But we can't lie: It helps. People who've had experience with Blogger or other content-management systems, as well as with HTML and the dynamics of making web-pages, are definitely appreciated. That doesn't mean we won't gladly teach you what you need to know if we choose you.
   
   
6. If you've given us a submission before, and we never got back to you, it's not because we hate you, it's because we're stupid twats who never check the mailbox. Please, feel free to submit again.
   
   
7. Here's a reminder of the rating scale:
   (0) = Apocalyptically Bad
   = Crappy
   = Merely Adequate
   = Quite Respectable
   = Really Damn Good
   = Perfect, Flawless
   
   

All submissions are due by Tuesday, November 27th, 2001. Please send them to fuckmtv@doyoufeelloved.com. With any luck we'll be able to debut our new writers at the beginning of December. Just in time for Christmas! WOW!

Now: sharpen your keyboards and start writing. We're counting on you to bail our sorry asses out.


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