I've made a valiant attempt to watch the VMA preshow, really I have. But it's just too uninteresting. MTV2 is playing all the past Best Video winners, which is just a far more enticing proposition. Mmmm, Lauryn Hill...
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:13 PM

Dre from Outkast is wearing day-glo orange overalls. I am in love.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:16 PM

No Doubt REALLY want you to know that they're not putting out a hip-hop album. I mean, they REALLY want you to know. How many times can you say "dancehall reggae" in one interview?
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:20 PM

You know, Suchin Pak is possibly the worst thing that ever happened to MTV News.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:26 PM

Heh. Suchin Pak. Now that's a funny name.

And really, "Sway" isn't exactly the brightest of guys, either.

But at least his name isn't Suchin. Hee hee hee.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:30 PM

Wow, let's shamelessly promote our host's new movie, ALI! At least it's a potentially good movie. Though it would be nice if Michael Mann would HOLD THE FUCKING CAMERA STILL.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:30 PM

"I hear there are some surprises in store..." Boy, I'm sick of that sentence.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:32 PM

Gideon Yago's purple shiny suit? I approve.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:33 PM

Ooh, special effects for Robbie Williams' "Rock DJ." Didn't expect that.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:34 PM

Uh-oh. Is a "Weapon of Choice" sweep on the horizon? I honestly thought they were gonna skip over it as a novelty...
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:34 PM

"Weapon Of Choice" was sloppily edited, god damn it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:34 PM

Jesus CHRIST, the Breakthrough Video category was a joke this year. Only two of those videos used groundbreaking techniques, and "Weapon" certainly wasn't one of them. I know I'm raining on everyone's Walkenparade, but it's really just an entertaining trifle... ah well, I'm in the minority and I know it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:36 PM

The moral of the story is that I've seen about 8 of these videos, and so I'm just going to say "Robbie Williams sucks it" to see how pissed Chris gets.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:36 PM

Robbie Williams does not suck it! Well, maybe he does in his spare time, I don't know. But.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:37 PM

Hey, guess my "celebrity identity"!

::splorp, splorp, suck, guzzle, man-devour::

If you said Robbie Williams, you win!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:38 PM

I'd love to comment on the City High with Eve performance that's occuring right now, but I'm too busy being underwhelmed.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:39 PM

Oh. My. GOD. Britney Spears and Mick Jagger in one place at the same time. I may cry.

And as usual, the old guy doesn't get a functional microphone.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:40 PM

I'd love to comment on the City High with Eve performance that's occuring right now, but I'm not watching the pre-show. Hell, I don't even know if I'll watch the VMAs...after the Common review, the whole "writing from ignorance" thing is starting to be pret-ty fun.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:41 PM

"Bo-NOOOOHH..." God, even Mick Jagger can't pronounce his friggin' name.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:41 PM

That's because Mick Jagger's lips have officially gone catatonic after 60 years of abuse. The vocal cords go next.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:43 PM

Oh God. So THIS is what P. Diddy was talking about with his "entrance." I pray for a lightning strike.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:46 PM

You know, if the Devil leaps up from Hell and claims Incubus' soul in the middle of the telecast, I'll feel like I haven't wasted my time.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:48 PM

Can we all take a moment of silence and think about the horrid children Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson could potentially squirt out? The entertainment world is doomed.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:49 PM

STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE! STOP IIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:50 PM

Oh look, Sway is talking to all of the sheep from my NYU class. I respect my institution of higher learning, I swear.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:50 PM

Translation of every word out of P. Diddy's mouth this evening: "Oh God, please love me."
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:51 PM

I wasn't talking about my sex life, dammit! Why do you always assume...

...oh, you were talking about the TV. Carry on.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:51 PM

"Lookit, there you are!" says Suchin Pak. Yes, that's the miracle of TV, the industry in which you work. You DIZZY BITCH.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:51 PM

Hey, wow! I can just press control-enter to post! Sweet!

Control...enter!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:51 PM

Oh shit, Paul has stumbled upon the secret of the Grail.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:52 PM

Her name's Suchin, man. Give the poor girl a break.

Control...enter!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:52 PM

You know, as the hour draws nigh, the sick feeling in my stomach grows at the prospect of dealing with Jamie Foxx for three hours or more.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:53 PM

Um...Control Shift S!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:53 PM

Jamie Foxx is hosting? Another reason for me to leave the TV off...

Control, shift...S!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:54 PM

FUCK! Pauly Shore is there! Sorry, folks, this whole event is called off, I can't keep watching.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:57 PM

U2! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I'm dumb.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:58 PM

Your mom's whole event is off. Hi there, Mary! In other news, my roommates are playing Soul Blade, thus occupying the TV. For a while, my "flying-blind" theory is to be tested...
posted by Paul Pugliese at 7:58 PM

I forget the name of that character from FAT ALBERT AND THE COSBY KIDS, but Jay-Z looks just like him right now.
posted by Chris Conroy at 7:59 PM

Oh look, it's the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse! "We met Beezelbub down at old Moulin Rouge..."
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:00 PM

Siegfried just defeated Taki with a 4-stomp combo! I'm turning this into a Soul Blade blog! Mwa ha ha!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:02 PM

I think you're thinking of Bill Cosby, Chris.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:02 PM

How happy am I that "Elevation" is the last song they played? God, I'm such a dork.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:02 PM

Hmm, sedate title graphics this year... and I like the "?" next to DMX's name. Nice touch.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:03 PM

What the...did I miss the frickin' medley? Or is that just something else? I'm dumb. Siegfried wins again, by the way, this time with a sword-smash-throw combo.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:03 PM

Wow, this already sucks. Thanks, Jamie.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:04 PM

Alright, I'm warming to this shit. I approve of the "Clint Eastwood" and "Bootylicious" bits... AC-DC! HOLY SHIT!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:06 PM

Seung Mina battles Siegfried on the cliffs of the wild--oh my god, Siegfried just knocked her off the side of the cliff to a horrible death! Siegfried is a mean, mean guy for a paladin. Oh, and uh, I liked the "?" next to DMX's name too...yeah...
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:07 PM

AC-DC! HOLY SHIT!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:08 PM

OK, his first joke is falling flat and is miserably cruel. So in other words, it's great.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:08 PM

...we think alike, mon frer.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:08 PM

You know, you would have thought that, after the Wayans debacle of last year, MTV would have learned to get someone who can carry a 3-hour awards show to, you know, host their three hour awards show.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:09 PM

Oh, the reaction shot of Larry Mullen doing nothing. Priceless.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:09 PM

Alright, that's it, Jamie Foxx is going to get shot by Eminem tonight. I can't wait. "I'm-In-Him?" Oh dear.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:10 PM

I can't even describe how badly Jamie Foxx is flopping right now. This is Wayans-level badness. This is a big ball of wonderful and horrid all mixed up together.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:12 PM

Larry's awfully good at that, now that I think about it. I don't think he blinked once during the whole Miami show. I'm convinced that The Edge has fashioned him into a man-shaped drum machine.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:12 PM

About a month ago, Foxx claimed that he wasn't going to make fun of anyone in his monologue. Guess he realized that would be about as funny as his tv show.
posted by michele c at 8:12 PM

Watching Jamie Foxx is kinda like getting raped by bear. You know it hurts, but it'll make for some great party stories later in life.
"Remember that time with the bear?"
"Yeah...yeah."
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:13 PM

God, this band-name-riffing is AWFUL! I don't have enough adjectives!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:13 PM

Ok, is Mudvayne Slipknot lite?
posted by michele c at 8:14 PM

IS HE WEARING A DRESS???
posted by michele c at 8:14 PM

AJ says, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!!! I'm inspirATIONal! Woooooo!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:15 PM

Hip-Hop Video. This goes to Outkast or I will FUCKING KILL SOMETHING. And man, I wish the Backstreet Boys would stop namedropping hip-hop greats.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:15 PM

Antelope! Keen!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:16 PM

Basically, Mudvayne is Slipknot without the charisma. Seeing as Slipknot and all 18 of its drummers have zero charisma, Mudvayne isn't exactly kickin'.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:17 PM

YES! Outkast win. New York City is safe.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:17 PM

THank god for Outkast.
posted by michele c at 8:17 PM

I hope they show AJ downing a 40 tonight. That'd make me happy.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:17 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this, because this is probably the only video that will win an award it deserves tonight. Sigh.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:18 PM

God, Jamie Foxx is quickly becoming the VMA equivalent of Hitler.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:19 PM

...and Will Ferrell is on stage being stupid. Great.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:19 PM

When all else fails, bring up last year's lowlights.
posted by michele c at 8:19 PM

OK, points for the Mike and the Mechanics shoutout...
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:20 PM

Ok.that was a little bit funny.
posted by michele c at 8:20 PM

Bonk. Just because I'd been quiet for a while. And hey, Michele is here. I miss so much when I stop to Take It to that bastard Siegfried...
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:21 PM

And the first performance begins, with a totally unnecessary "Love Don't Cost A Thing" sample. How unimpressed am I? For shame, J.Lo. Interesting choreography, though. Or maybe I'm already braindamaged by this show.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:26 PM

I'm thinking that Dre and Big Boi, or whatever they're calling themselves now, need to just give all of us wonderful Americans a 3 hour concert. This is, of course, after they impale Jamie Foxx on a large shish-kabob pole.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:26 PM

Fire and unnecessary partial nudity. This performance is the MTV experience in a nutshell.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:27 PM

This is the most clothing I've ever seen Lopez wear. Hi Paul!
posted by michele c at 8:28 PM

Is it me or does Ja Rule sound like he's got a bad case of cotton mouth?
posted by michele c at 8:28 PM

You DEFINITELY have to worry about the caliber of your performance if they're playing your video on a giant screen behind you... and I really don't like the idea of Jennifer Lopez singing the phrase "straight thuggin'."
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:28 PM

Destiny's Child. A buck says they sing "Say My Name" a capella while at the podium. They've done it what, three times now? They are shitty with the teleprompter, too.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:31 PM

I am loving the wildlife footage.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:31 PM

Hi, I'm Spike Jonze, and I won this award for directing as soon as I fell out of my mother's womb.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:32 PM

Since when do they play REM on MTV?
posted by michele c at 8:32 PM

He owes Christopher Walken for this win.
posted by michele c at 8:33 PM

Oh yes. Walken's coming on stage. I expect something good. But he'll probably just stand there.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:33 PM

If Walken bites someone, I'll die happy.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:34 PM

You think Spike Jonze was one of those kids that wore a helmet to school?
posted by michele c at 8:34 PM

"He owes Christopher Walken for this win"? That's like saying "I think I need oxygen to live." It's so obvious, it's just assumed.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:34 PM

Probably. But I bet it was so he could smack people with it. He seems a feisty bugger.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:34 PM

Well, here comes the somber part of the show. No jokes now; Aaliyah's death really is quite sad. Snideness turned off for a minute.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:35 PM

Hmmm I am going to make a tribute to Aailyah. Let me dress like a slut for this occasion.
posted by michele c at 8:35 PM

Sorry, snideness button didn't work.
posted by michele c at 8:35 PM

Well, we need ox-y-gen to breathe, ox-y-gen to breathe...and MTV will NEVER play a Modest Mouse video, so I'll shut up now. Actually, I don't think Modest Mouse even has videos, so I'll really shut up now...
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:35 PM

I don't think my snideness button ever turns off. It's times like these that I regret that. Somberness engaged as well as I can.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:36 PM

Do you think that when she died, someone in a meeting at MTV said "Kick ass! We can fill another half hour of the show!"
posted by michele c at 8:38 PM

We're alive again! Woo! Doesn't really matter for me, since I am iiiiiiinvincible, but nonetheless--woo!
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:42 PM

"Girls, Girls, Girls"? Classy!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:43 PM

Best Dance Video. I would make a witty projection for the winner, but it'll probably be Fatboy so there's no point.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:45 PM

Holy SHIT! In the words of my roommate, "I'll take Left Field for 100, Alex." I don't think ANYBODY thought "Pop" would win best dance video...
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:46 PM

..."Let's celebrate the gift of life?" I just lost my respect for Justin Timberlake. I actually had a little, too.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:47 PM

Oh BALLS. Linkin Park. Can I mute this?
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:47 PM

Mute it? Can't we just kill them?
posted by michele c at 8:49 PM

::falls over:: Can't...keep...up...and absolutely. Mute. Mute it now. Shudder.
posted by Paul Pugliese at 8:49 PM

At least they're peppier than J.Lo and Ja Rule's parade of lethargy...
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:49 PM

Wow, five turntableists for an entirely unimpressive effect.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:50 PM

Well, they're spirited at least. I'll certainly give them that. But that is ALL.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:51 PM

Q: What is the difference between Linkin Park, Mudvayne and Limp Bizkit?
A; Nothing!
posted by michele c at 8:51 PM

Hi, I'm a friend of Jamie Foxx's and I'm onstage for an unfunny joke!
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:52 PM

Please oh god please no Lady Marmalade live. It would just kill me.
posted by michele c at 8:53 PM

Don't worry, Michele, that was only at the Movie Awards.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:54 PM

Oh, I can take my blindfold off now.
posted by michele c at 8:56 PM

Alright, I've never seen anything more appropriate than the Bad, Logo, Bad commercial. MTV promises you beautiful things and then punches you in the face and steals your money. Truuuuuuuue dat.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:58 PM

Interpretive dance. SCORE.
posted by Chris Conroy at 8:59 PM

Nope. Blindfold going back on. Horrible Saturday Night Live comedians do not cross over well to awards shows.
posted by michele c at 9:00 PM

Oh my! I thought she was Prince for a minute!
posted by michele c at 9:01 PM

"I really can play the piano! See? Please believe me!"
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:01 PM

Well, that was... umm... Alicia Keys-tastic. I don't know what to say. I guess she's good. Or something.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:05 PM

Yea she's good. But not sarcasm-inducing. Bring on the shitty bands!
posted by michele c at 9:07 PM

Jesus, if you're gonna reference the lyrics to "Lady Marmalade," Mr. Announcer, at least get them right.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:10 PM

And the nominees for biggest skank are....
posted by michele c at 9:11 PM

Best Male Video. Again, no prediction because my brain is falling out my ears. I like the walruses (walri?), though.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:11 PM

MOBY WINS! Wow. I did NOT expect that, and I'm really, really happy about it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:12 PM

That is a FINE track jacket, sir. A MINOR THREAT SHIRT! HOLY SHIT!!!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:12 PM

Yeah, I love the little baldy fellow.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:13 PM

Whatever Jamie Foxx is on about right now, I'll bet it's not funny.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:13 PM

Oh. He was serious. How lame.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:14 PM

"Thanks a lot, Martin!" The line of the evening so far.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:14 PM

And points for the ass-slap as well.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:15 PM

Best Female Video... umm... Madonna should win. And probably will. Not that she's here tonight.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:15 PM

Anything with Gwen Stefani should win.
posted by michele c at 9:16 PM

And Madonna loses to an OK video. Sigh. Oh well. Congrats, Eve, I guess. You sort of entertained me for a minute.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:17 PM

How gorgeous is she?
posted by michele c at 9:17 PM

Y'know, she's clearly really happy and grateful, though, so I can't be too upset.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:18 PM

OH MY GOD, Macy Gray is HILARIOUSLY prostituting her album. And Mary J. Blige in Rhythm Nation togs is CLASSIC. Easily the best-dressed moment of the evening.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:23 PM

Baby turtles!
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:24 PM

Alicia Keys has new artist completely sewn up. If she doesn't get it, I'll eat my dinner receipt.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:24 PM

David Gray is NOT a new artist.
posted by michele c at 9:24 PM

NOOOOOOO I knew I could not escape the pop punk!
posted by michele c at 9:25 PM

Ah, my receipt is safe.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:25 PM

Thank god it wasn't Sum-41. I know Michele's breathing easier...
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:25 PM

She looks like a lunch lady with that thing on her head.
posted by michele c at 9:26 PM

Deafening applause for Walken, unsurprisingly. Shake your groove thing, baby.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:27 PM

"On stage at the Met. Wow. Wowwy wow wow wow." I'm going to freak out and die.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:27 PM

Introducing N'Sync?!? Copout! The mighty have fallen!
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:28 PM

OHH and he introduced NSync....double goodness!
posted by michele c at 9:28 PM

...Again with the no-color schtick? Bad sign, N'Sync...
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:28 PM

Oh come on Chris, you love NSync and you know it. Maybe he does too.
posted by michele c at 9:28 PM

I didn't realize this song was about sexual harrassment...
posted by michele c at 9:29 PM

This is easily the ugliest set piece in the world.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:29 PM

All style no substance. Wait, that's not even style.
posted by michele c at 9:30 PM

Yes, I do love N'Sync... but this is just No Good. Wow. What a waste of our time. One step too far, one step too far...
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:30 PM

Y'know, U2 did this four years ago and everyone hated it. Now N'Sync slap Roy Lichenstein on their set and everyone squeals. I'm SO pissed.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:31 PM

This looks like a high school production of Godspell.
posted by michele c at 9:31 PM

We knew it was coming.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:32 PM

Michael Jackson. We're fucked.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:32 PM

We hated when U2 did it because we expected more of them. This is about all you can expect of NSync. So relatively speaking, the kids think this is da bomb.
posted by michele c at 9:33 PM

I just saw Michael Jackson's profile and it ruined my life.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:33 PM

Speak for yourself dude. I do not use Michael Jackson and fucked in the same sentence.
posted by michele c at 9:33 PM

I am SO disappointed in that nonsense. Underwhelming N'Sync blowout and then Michael dances for 30 seconds. And he didn't even dance that well. If that's the big moment of the evening, this night has officially been a washout. I should've gone to Barnes and Noble.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:35 PM

So I hear Britney is going to simulate masturbation with cheetahs tonight while PETA throws blood at her. Or something like that.
posted by michele c at 9:36 PM

Well, we all know my thoughts on U2's brand of POP, but I'll shut my mouth because the show's starting again. Wait. Why am I giving it that kind of respect? Blah blah blah, Jay-Z, blah blah blah...
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:38 PM

Wow Jay-Z looks pale tonight.
posted by michele c at 9:38 PM

...what? Why did he introduce Jay-Z when it was actually Moby/Gwen/Eve? Wow, Jamie sucks ass. And that was very gracious of Moby to thank Gwen. What a cute little boy.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:38 PM

MTV2 award! Alicia Keys wins it. Though the Gorillaz should.

GO MOBY! Buck the teleprompter's tyranny!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:39 PM

Gwen stole Princess Leia's hair and put it on sideways.
posted by michele c at 9:39 PM

MUDVAYNE?!?!? WHHAAAATTT???!!!!??? I feel like I've been fucked in the ass.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:41 PM

Well you know where I stand on this. They're not pretty but they're loud. Score one for metal.
posted by michele c at 9:42 PM

Ok they are just STUPID looking.
posted by michele c at 9:42 PM

Reaction shot of the evening: Bono. "I'm slightly amused."
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:42 PM

No. Stupid is an understatement.
posted by michele c at 9:43 PM

NOW we get Jay-Z. Ummm, yay.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:43 PM

And here comes Jay-Z, the worst song writer since Shaquille O'Neal
posted by michele c at 9:44 PM

B to the Ored.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:45 PM

I will say, it is nice of MTV to do a couple of performances outside for the benefit of the people standing outside. They're all sheep but at least somebody cares for them.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:47 PM

What language is this?
posted by michele c at 9:47 PM

God, shameless album plugs are clearly the order of the day.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:48 PM

OH MY GOD!!!! THIS IS GENIUS!
posted by michele c at 9:48 PM

Andy Dick is so special.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:48 PM

He looks better than her.
posted by michele c at 9:48 PM

YOU LITTLE BITCH! Wow. We win.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:48 PM

He looks like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Kate Moss.
posted by michele c at 9:49 PM

Oh my God. He's going for Christina. This is phenomenal.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:49 PM

Andy Dick just made the whole night worthwhile. I can sleep soundly tonight.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:50 PM

Yep. Dick makes it all worthwhile.
posted by michele c at 9:50 PM

Tenacious D! Make me proud, boys.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:56 PM

"That's all you get for free, beeotches." Good, good.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:57 PM

MEERKAAAAAATTTTSSSS!!!!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:57 PM

I want to be able to call people Beeeotches
posted by michele c at 9:57 PM

I really don't know where Group Video will go. So I won't guess.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:58 PM

Ok I am officially tired of Nsync.
posted by michele c at 9:59 PM

No big surprise, N'Sync. Sigh. I will take consolation in the fact that "Elevation" was not actually that good a video when it comes down to it. But it still hurts.
posted by Chris Conroy at 9:59 PM

Wow, did they thank the caterer? I might've missed it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:00 PM

Hello, I'm Estella Warren. I'm here to prove that I can, in fact, speak English.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:01 PM

WHAT? Stop singing, Usher. I hate you.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:01 PM

Ahhh, giant turtles fucking. This has easily been the best VMAs ever for interstitial graphics...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:02 PM

It pains me to watch her try to chew gum and talk at the same time.
posted by michele c at 10:02 PM

The fucking turtles have been the most interesting thing besides Andy Dick.
posted by michele c at 10:03 PM

Destiny's Child win another goddamn award that they don't need. Poooooor. I think I might go get a Coke. They'll just thank God or something anyway.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:03 PM

It's the attack of the Howard Johnson's!!!
posted by michele c at 10:03 PM

My roommate just nailed the exact running order of Destiny's Child's acceptance speech. I'm so proud of him.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:04 PM

God, I hate Staind so much, you can't even start to understand. STOP SINGING ABOUT YOUR PAIN, YOU STONER ASSHOLE.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:11 PM

I like Staind. There, i said it. It's out in the open now.
posted by michele c at 10:12 PM

But Jesus, he looks like a mutant.
posted by michele c at 10:12 PM

"I am tragic"? Jesus! Get off the stage! I have no time for people who can't express their cliched emotions in a non-cliched fashion. And you, Mr. Lewis, are certainly fitting that description right now. Go buy a teddy bear, you'll feel better.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:12 PM

Ewww! Michele! Stop talking to me! UNCLEAN!
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:13 PM

This from the guy who thought Mike and the Mechanics were GOOD?
posted by michele c at 10:14 PM

YOU WERE LISTENING TO BON JOVI THE OTHER NIGHT!!!!!
posted by michele c at 10:14 PM

Alright, since this is a new low in the proceedings, I'm gonna take the time to thank everyone who's reading this rambling pile of crap, especially my thugz back home at the Pee Vee, and all my thugz no longer wit' us. You know who you are.

Michele? Any shout-outs to the nation? Or are you just gonna smack me?
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:14 PM

Mayor of New York? P. Diddy? God, give me Giuliani again first...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:15 PM

shouts out to my hos and bitches, yo. word to yo mamma. I'd like to thank Vanilla Ice, Jello Biafra and Marky Mark and the funk bunch.
posted by michele c at 10:15 PM

Oh look, they're repeating the Ben Stiller joke. I'm SO amused. I'm so amused I've just wet my pants. No, I'm sorry, that's ASSBLOOD. I'm BEING RAPED. This SUCKS.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:16 PM

I want the bowling ball to fall on their feet.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:16 PM

God damn I miss Ol Dirty Bastard.
posted by michele c at 10:17 PM

For the RECORD, I do not actually LIKE Mike And The Mechanics. I just appreciated how quickly the reference was lost on the audience.

Re: Bon Jovi: The administration has no comment at this time.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:17 PM

Chris, that's twice tonight you used the "fucked in the ass" metaphor. Just so ya know.
posted by michele c at 10:17 PM

"Consume 100 pounds of grass per day?" Best Rap Video? Ooooooooh.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:18 PM

Oh, I know, Michele. It's hard to miss being fucked in the ass. But it's happened at least twice tonight.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:18 PM

Nelly's exuberantly silly video wins. I have no moral objection to this.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:19 PM

Oh yay. Another incorrect spelling wins an award.
posted by michele c at 10:19 PM

Are band-aids the new hip accessory?
posted by michele c at 10:20 PM

I can't believe they're STILL milking Triumph. Wow.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:21 PM

Wow. Smigel's going for J. Lo. WOW. WOW.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:21 PM

An embarassed Carson Daly makes the night almost worth it.
posted by michele c at 10:22 PM

Why do I feel like watching this the whole way through is going to call for a long, hot shower? I feel so dirty.
posted by michele c at 10:24 PM

Oh, they're back. Umm. Nikka's a funny name...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:26 PM

Sheryl Crows says "ta-ta's." And just like that, the evening peaks.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:27 PM

Sheryl Crow looks like a vulture in that outfit.
posted by michele c at 10:27 PM

Ooh. Best Pop Video. Let's see where this goes. (What did I just say?)
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:28 PM

Can Best Pop Video not be given to something called "Pop"? Of course, "The Call" is a better video. And "Lady Marmalade" is very, very much in the running.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:29 PM

Well at least it wasn't Lady Marmalade.
posted by michele c at 10:29 PM

The answer: No, it cannot be given to something not called "Pop." Yay. What an uninteresting video it is compared to some of the others...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:29 PM

I want a dollar for every band that gave a shout out to God and then went backstage and snorted coke and drank a 40
posted by michele c at 10:30 PM

God, nobody's even listening to Jamie Foxx anymore.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:30 PM

Busta Rhymes gives easily the fiftieth album plug this evening. WHORE! Uh! Good god! What is it good for?
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:31 PM

Was that in English?
posted by michele c at 10:32 PM

Mmm, Missy Elliot. Please, please give a good performance. I need something to keep me awake.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:32 PM

She looks TERRIFIED.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:33 PM

Wouldnt you be? This video makes me want to go play Samurai Shodown
posted by michele c at 10:34 PM

The giant head in the background of this performance is, frankly, scaring the shit out of me. And out comes Nelly Furtado.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:34 PM

Her rap kind of upsets me, a lot, but GOD I love the huge yelp of "REEEEE-MIX!" that precedes it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:35 PM

Ludacris too. Wow. I smell overkill on the wind.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:35 PM

Why can't musicians dress themselves without purposely wearing an item of clothing the wrong way?
posted by michele c at 10:35 PM

Is it just me, or did that just... end? With absolutely no finale, just a dead full stop? Sigh.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:36 PM

Its like they gave them the cut off sign. "Back off the stage! We have to save time for Britney fucking the cheetahs in a pool of blood!"
posted by michele c at 10:38 PM

...Jon Bon Jovi and Jewel. There are no words.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:40 PM

Ohhh look Chris, it's Jon Bon Jovi!!!!
posted by michele c at 10:40 PM

Best Song From A Film? I *wonder* what will win?
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:41 PM

Shut up, Michele. Just... just shut up.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:41 PM

No No No No No Lady Marmalade please no
posted by michele c at 10:42 PM

I must die now.
posted by michele c at 10:43 PM

I am *so* shocked! SO shocked! I mean, "Lady Marmalade"? Who'd'a thunk it?
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:43 PM

Christina looks a little bloated tonight. Should have taken that Midol.
posted by michele c at 10:43 PM

Man, Christina went for that podium like it was the last sandwich on Earth.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:44 PM

We'd like to thank God cause you know, even god loves a good whore.
posted by michele c at 10:44 PM

Video Vanguard! U2! This is my little church moment.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:44 PM

God, I hate cheesy speeches. Just give us the U2 love, bring it, bring it.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:45 PM

Chris, you may take a few moments to stare lovingly at the TV.
posted by michele c at 10:46 PM

This sounds like it was assembled from Bono's soundbites from the last year. This is seriously ass-kissing stuff.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:46 PM

...what just happened.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:49 PM

Fuck. Did I just get denied the only reason I'm watching this show? What happened to the U2 performance? Fuck fuck fuck...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:50 PM

That was strange. Did their lights not work?
posted by michele c at 10:50 PM

Go ahead Chris, you are entitled to make your third "fucked in the ass" metaphor now.
posted by michele c at 10:51 PM

If they cut the U2 performance for time reasons, I'm actually going to go insane.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:51 PM

If they cut U2 in favor of Britney Spears, the apocalypse can't be far behind.
posted by michele c at 10:52 PM

Alright, I'm going to smile through the tears and laugh about the fact that the ad for the EXIT WOUNDS album featured a Canadian voiceover guy saying "aboot"...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:52 PM

NOW we're talking.
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:55 PM

Here you go, dear. Stop crying now.
posted by michele c at 10:55 PM

Agh, way to kill your momentum, boys. Toss "Stuck In A Moment" in there. Keep the rock, dammit!
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:58 PM

I really, really dislike medleys. Because of things like this. The energy level was spectacular, what are they DOING...
posted by Chris Conroy at 10:59 PM

That was...blah.
posted by michele c at 11:01 PM

Sometimes, I want to put a sock in that man's mouth.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:03 PM

Yes! Shout out to the Ramones!
posted by michele c at 11:03 PM

Wow. The Ramones. Wasn't expecting THAT. Of course, it all smacks of Bono's latest cause du jour, but oh well...

And that's IT??? They don't even get to TALK?!? Wow. I must say, I am disappointed.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:04 PM

I will kill myself on live tv if Limp Bizkit wins.
posted by michele c at 11:06 PM

The energy has been sapped out of me. What can I say about the best rock video? U2 are curiously not nominated and Staind are. There is no justice, whoever wins it probably doesn't really deserve it looking at these nominees. I'm so depressed, boo hoo. Wait! Weezer! Please, God, give it to Weezer! I don't care if this album's lame!
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:06 PM

Someone hand me a gun please.
posted by michele c at 11:06 PM

Fucking Limp Bizkit fuck fuck fuck. I am broken. Britney's the only chance we have to salvage this whole miserable affair...
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:07 PM

I'm going to spontaneously combust instead.
posted by michele c at 11:07 PM

Jesus Christ, he can't even string a sentence together.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:07 PM

"My new baby boy, wherever you are..." Wow, not knowing where your kid is. That's fatherly fucking devotion right there, asshole.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:08 PM

Yes I hate LB but Wes rules.
posted by michele c at 11:08 PM

Iron Maiden baby. It's all about the Maiden.
posted by michele c at 11:09 PM

Ah, Viewer's Choice. Let the unwashed masses speak. We demand bread and circuses! NOW!
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:12 PM

Where's my bread? Where's my circus?
posted by michele c at 11:12 PM

I KNEW N'Sync would squeeze it out from the BSB at the last second. The death knell is struck.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:12 PM

Cheese and clowns instead.
posted by michele c at 11:12 PM

"The only people we can thank are the fans who voted. So we can retract our earlier thank-you to God."
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:13 PM

HAHAHA at Chris.
posted by michele c at 11:15 PM

Do I still have to kill myself or is subjecting myself to Britney Spears live enough?
posted by michele c at 11:15 PM

OUTKAAASSSTTT!!! Somebody I can respect is on stage! Joy.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:18 PM

Let our Britney commence.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:19 PM

Great Shades Of "Get Ur Freak On"!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:20 PM

Does she not realize that most of her fans are 12?
posted by michele c at 11:20 PM

She's dancing with a snake.

Great Shades Of "We Need A Resolution"!!!
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:21 PM

I'm flabbergasted.
posted by michele c at 11:22 PM

Hmmmmmmm.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:22 PM

Damn. No masturbating bloody tigers.
posted by michele c at 11:23 PM

I don't quite know what to make of that. I'm not so sure that was a success. I fear for Britney...
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:23 PM

Well fuck, this is NOT a way to end a night. Now I really need a shower.
posted by michele c at 11:23 PM

Dont worry about Britney. Her career as a porn star has just begun.
posted by michele c at 11:24 PM

Stop it, Kid Rock, stop it. Stop stop stop.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:24 PM

Ah, phew. For a second I was worried the anticlimax of Kid Rock presenting the Video Of The Year would close the event... I guess Mick is acceptable.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:25 PM

"Everyone tonight was the winner." Sayeth Mick. This, of course, excepts the people who watched this.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:25 PM

Wow, Video Of The Year. It all comes down to this. And I'm too wasted by crappy television to care.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:26 PM

Michele just shot herself.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:27 PM

Death oh sweet death come to me now.
posted by michele c at 11:27 PM

Well, I'm honestly not surprised, the video's shite but it was the summer's song, I guess. Sigh. Good job, girls. Your competition was stiff. :::chokes on own bilous laughter:::
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:28 PM

I'll be in rehab if you need me.
posted by michele c at 11:28 PM

Well, final thoughts, Michele? Other than "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"?
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:29 PM

Chris, Paul...I'd like to say it's been a fun evening, but it was actually a dirty, stinking rotting waste pile of an evening. But fun nonetheless.
posted by michele c at 11:29 PM

Top Ten Shitty Moments?
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:30 PM

and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Everyone go listen to Slayer and cleanse yourself of the filth of pop music.
posted by michele c at 11:30 PM

Top ten shitty moments: 1-9: the appearance of Limp Bizkit. 10: The appearance of every skank whore known to music.
posted by michele c at 11:33 PM

Mine would be:
10. Fred Durst opening his fat mouth,
9. Mick Jagger mispronouncing "Bono,"
8. Kid Rock and Pamela talking whoopie,
7. P. Diddy's entrance,
6. Ben Stiller wasting everyone's time,
5. Staind cry like little girls,
4. Mudvayne win unnecessarily,
3. U2 doing "Stuck In A Moment,"
2. Jamie's God-awful opening monologue,
1. Realizing how many hours of my life this took up.
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:34 PM

Well. This was a hellish ordeal but it was still somewhat enjoyable. I'd like to thank Michele and Paul, who are amazing, and all of you who read this, and God, and my daddy Mr. Knowles, and...

Seriously, folks, thanks a lot. Please join us again in the future for more FUCK MTV! goodness at our regular location. Though I'm going to need years of therapy before I can ever write about music television again...
posted by Chris Conroy at 11:37 PM